Flash Fiction Friday, Week 12 - A Foolproof Plan

This week’s challenge: “Write a story that opens with someone eating a salad, then dives into treachery. Preferably with knives involved. Choice of salad is optional, as is your inclusion of some Irish elements such as leprechauns, shamrocks, and greenery. No snakes please.” These themes are so fitting for the month of March, with the stabbing of Julius Caesar on the Ides of March, and the potential for mischief by magical creatures on St. Patrick’s Day. My character had perfect plans, and perfect plans always work perfectly; that is, until they don’t.

A Foolproof Plan

“Good afternoon, gentlemen. My name is Maeve, and I’ll be your server today. May I take your order, sir?”

“I’ll have a triple burger, a double order of fries, and a jumbo chocolate shake.”

“And you, sir?”

“I’ll have the House grilled chicken salad with vinegar and oil dressing, and black coffee.”

“Thank you. I’ll be right back with your beverages.”

“A salad and black coffee, Jer? Have you lost your mind?”

“I’ve got to eat healthier, Rich. I may even start working out.”

“Work out? You? I’ve seen you get winded opening your mail.”

“Tape was wrapped twice around that package.”

“Very true. But, why the sudden kick to get in shape?”

“Simple. I want that promotion to District Manager, and Mr. Hodges likes his executives to be fit as a fiddle.”

“Jer, that’s a really high pressure position. You think you’d be able to handle that?”

“Are you kidding? For me, that job would be like a stroll in the park.”

“Still, Daryl Sutton’s got seniority. You’re not eligible to move up before he does.”

“I would be if he was dead.”

“Right, but what are the chances he’ll…”

“They’re good, because I’m going to kill him.”

“Get serious, Jer.”

“I am serious, Rich. I’m going to kill Daryl Sutton.”

“Sure you are, Jer, and how are you going to do that?”

“I’ve got a foolproof plan.”

***

“Pardon me, Nurse, Jerry Baker’s room?

“Room 304. It’s down this hallway on the right.”

“Jer, what the Hell…”

“They’re all just bruises, Rich. My plan was perfect. I brought my sharpest knife and slid under Sutton’s car to cut his brake line. I thought I had time, but Sutton left work early and got in his car. I tried to get out from under, but I got caught on something. He pulled out into traffic and dragged me underneath. A few blocks later, he made a hard right, and I was free. I rolled to the curb and started to get up, but some kid came by on a scooter and ran over me.”

“Jer, you could have been killed. You’ve got to stop…”

“No, Rich. I’ve got a foolproof plan.”

***

“Pardon me, Nurse, Jerry Baker’s room?”

“Same as last time.”

“Jer, what the Hell…”

“They’re just bruises, Rich, except for my foot. My plan was perfect. Sutton takes a class at the Y and gets home late on Wednesdays, so I waited at his house. I hid behind some bushes that line his driveway. I brought my sharpest knife, and I was going to throw it at him. When he got out of his car, I moved back to brace myself, and stepped in a hole and fell. Sutton didn’t hear me though because I stifled my scream when the knife went through my foot. The doctor said I’d still be able to walk okay without my little toe though.”

“Jer, you’re covered in cuts and bruises, and you’re down to four toes on your right foot. You must know that now is the time to stop…”

“No, Rich. I’ve got a foolproof plan.”

***

“Pardon me, Nurse, Jer…?”

“I’ll give you three guesses…”

“Jer, what the Hell…”

“Rich, I was right. Shea, the bartender at O’Reilly’s was a leprechaun after all. I hid in the Men’s Room until close. I knew he stayed after to sweep up. My plan was perfect. I snuck up behind him and grabbed the amulet he wore around his neck. I said I would let go if he gave me three wishes.”

“That’s not how it works, Jer. If the creature takes it off and puts it down, that’s when you’re supposed to…what am I saying. There’s no such thing as lepre…”

“There are, Rich, and it’s not a good idea to piss them off. Shea said nobody touches his amulet and gets away with it. He asked me how I’d like it if he turned me green, and I said I wouldn’t like that at all. He said he didn’t give a snake’s ass how I felt about it, and I told him there was no need to be rude. Then, he mumbled some words and told me to get out. On my way out, I looked in the mirror behind the bar and saw my face was green.”

“Why did you come to the Hospital? Did you think there’s something the doctors can do about this?”

“A policeman saw me walking down the street and asked me why I was crying. I told him it was because I turned green, and that I wasn’t happy about it. He said he probably should take me to the Hospital in case it was something catching.”

“So, it’s not just your face and hands, Jer?”

“No, Rich. He made me green all over.”

“What did the doctors say?”

“They think it’s some kind of allergy, and gave me a couple of shots. They’re letting me go home, and said if I’m not better in a couple of days, I should see my family doctor. I’m not going to be better in a couple of days, Rich.”

“Probably not. Any idea how long this will last?”

“Shea told me he’ll change me back when it stops being funny to him, so it may be awhile.”

***

“Good afternoon, gentlemen. My name is Sheela, and I’ll be your server today. May I take your…oh my God!”

“Yes, my skin is green, and no, I’m not contagious.”

“Sir, I didn’t mean…”

“Just bring me a triple burger, a double order of fries, and a jumbo chocolate shake.”

“Make that two of the same. So, you’re giving up on the get-healthy thing, Jer?”

“Might as well. Daryl got the District Manager’s job this morning.”

“I know, but you’re next for a promotion.”

“I suppose, but I’m not interested in moving up anymore. Can’t take the pressure. Oh, Miss, I mean, Sheela?”

“Sir?”

“I almost forgot. No lettuce on my burger, please. No more greens for me.”